Religious Trauma Therapy Isn’t Pastoral Counseling
When I began my own therapy, I struggled to get into the therapy-mindset. Instead, I found myself half-expecting my therapist to be like my pastoral counselors that I had in Christian fundamentalism. I didn’t know that I could question or correct my therapist because I held onto the assumption that everything the therapist said was right, and my beliefs were wrong.
I was following the familiar script of pastoral counseling. I was to be submissive because pastors were instituted by God, and therapists? Well, they were instituted by science, weren’t they? I saw the diplomas and certifications hanging in the office so misunderstandings had to be my faulty thinking, right?
With each question I was asked, I paused to answer. I looked to the ceilings and the walls like I had in elementary school spelling bees for some kind of divine sign to see the expected response written on the ceiling tiles and wall panels in tiny print.
Before each session, I would rehearse in front of a mirror of what I was going to say, in fear of disappointing my therapists. I remembered so clearly the disappointment in pastors’ faces. Their disappointment seemed volatile, like it could turn into aggression at any moment, and I carried with me the worry that could happen too in therapy. I desperately wanted my therapists to like me, rather than as “irredeemable.”
It took me a couple of years in therapy to let go of expectations that a therapist will counsel like a pastor.
In those couple of years of learning about the therapy-mindset, I had to adjust my expectations of what was therapy. With pastoral counseling, being prayed over and performing ritual outside of therapy was supposed to make me better. With my first couple of years in therapy, I expected my therapists to give me life-changing benedictions in our sessions and transcendental experiences of performing the ritual of self-care outside of therapy, but that didn’t happen.
So I began to question, “Is therapy actually working?”
One of the best things I could’ve done at the time was ask that question out loud to my therapist so she reviewed my progress aloud to me. In listening, I realized just how far I had come in my mental health back then. And we discussed how Christian fundamentalism had set unrealistic expectations for me about what healing was.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Learning from 12-Steppers
I’ve learned a lot about religious trauma recovery from the 12-steps. I never became addicted to substances because I never started drinking or using recreational substances after watching people I loved struggle with addiction. None of those people in my life thought that they would develop addiction, and I decided the risk wasn’t worth it for me to start drinking or using recreational substances so I didn’t.
I began attending open 12-step meetings to better understand my loved ones with addiction. (Open 12-step meetings allow people, who are not in recovery to join the meeting to learn more about addiction recovery). Addicts and alcoholics in church basements taught me more about living a good life than what I heard from pastors while sitting in church pews upstairs.
Something said in the rooms was, “you gotta work the program to make the program work for you.” And I had to sit and wonder what that meant for my religious trauma recovery.
Mind-Reader And Theologian Extraordinaire?
When growing up in authoritarian Christianity, there was an idea that people with the spiritual gift of discernment could essentially be a mind-reader, or someone with a degree from a Christian institution or seminary knew anything and everything about religion. As a psychotherapist who specializes in religious trauma, others may expect this from me. Part of my personal healing work though— is to refrain from making assumptions.
There is more in this world that I don’t know than what I do know. I was told in Christian fundamentalism that I had the spiritual gifts of discernment and prophecy, but I am no mind-reader or prophet. I studied religion throughout my life, including during my formal education years, but I don’t know the name of every religious practice, role, teaching, written word, or song.
Sometimes I wonder if my not-knowing is disappointing to people, and yet my openness to sharing when I don’t know, allows people to see my humanity. In my formative years, I watched Christian leaders carefully curate their lives to shield their congregants from witnessing their humanity. An aspect of being seen and heard is also acknowledging at times, “I don’t know.” In all my years of speaking to practicing pastors, not once have I heard them say the words… I don’t know. And yet, I know with great certainty they have wrestled with doubt.
12 Steps to Get the Most from Therapy
If therapy isn’t about waiting for your therapist to make a comment that would turn into a trending sound on TikTok or Instagram, then what is it?
I’d like to share with you my top 12 tips of getting the most out of your therapy sessions. I have learned this both my personal life as well as what I have seen in the success of my clients with religious trauma.
Setting the environment.With online therapy, notice what potential distractions may interrupt therapy before the session starts. Is your dog preoccupied with a toy or treat, or in their crate? Is your phone on do not disturb? Can you schedule around your children’s nap time, classes or daycare, etc., or find a sitter or activity to occupy them for the therapy hour? If you need to have therapy outside, consider turning on cellular data as outdoor WiFi can have an unstable connection.
Having privacy. It’s important to have privacy in the therapy space. That can mean turning off Alexa devices or other Bluetooth, voice-activated speakers, and also considering who else may be able to listen in. Please refrain from having therapy in the same room as other people, including public transit, as you don’t know how being overheard could impact your well-being. Privacy with therapy also occurs after the therapy session. When you tell everything discussed in therapy with a partner, family member, or friend, this can foster co-dependency in the relationship, and that person may try to manipulate what is discussed or explored in therapy.
Coming prepared. Before sessions, write down one to three points that you would like to explore with your therapist. This helps with setting an intention for coming into the therapy space.
Adjusting expectations.When considering goals or intentions for therapy, ask yourself if your expectation for your therapist is being taught how to change someone else’s mental health or behaviors. If that is the case, an ethical therapist can’t help you with that.
Not showing up high.The anticipation of talking about difficult things can spark an idea for folks to have a benzodiazepine (i.e. Xanax, Klonopin, Valium, Ativan, etc.) or cannabis before the therapy session to feel more relaxed. Benzodiazepines and cannabis affects people’s cognitive functioning while under the influence, which can decrease the effectiveness of the therapy intervention.
Collaborating with goals.There may be goals that your therapist suggests, and you don’t want to do them. If you don’t want to do the goals outside of session, let your therapist know. If you forgot to do the goals in between sessions, it’s okay to tell your therapist that as well. Sometimes therapy goals can feel uncomfortable because they’re unknown. Other times, therapy goals may not feel like they resonate with who you are as a person. It can be helpful to explore those differences with your therapist to see what therapy goals are the most compatible for you.
Asking questions.Sometimes therapists riff. We are navigating with you to make sense of the experiences you are sharing with us, and our words may sound jumbled from time to time. There may be other moments where therapists share a word or phrase that you are unfamiliar with. Please ask your therapist to clarify when you don’t understand what we’re saying.
Elaborating. When a person gives short-answers to their therapist, we as therapists will be more likely to misunderstand our clients because of limited information that we have about our clients.
Attending for yourself. Sometimes people go to therapy because someone they care about mentions that it would be a good idea. Other times, a person may be told that there will be consequences, including break-ups or financial restrictions, if they don’t attend therapy. This can make therapy feel like a punishment rather than a self-care practice. Attending therapy for yourself transforms therapy from being a symbolic punishment to a gift that keeps on giving.
Taking notes.Therapists take notes to remember what you said, and it’s okay for you to take notes to remember as well. Writing can help improve your memory about what was discussed in therapy so that it may feel like small doses of therapy in between sessions every time you review your notes from therapy.
Being patient. Christian fundamentalism teaches that lasting change occurs through a singular, spiritual conversion experience. However, we know through studies of brain activity that long-lasting changes of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors only happen through a singular event if there is a brain injury. Positive changes for the brain happen over time. It is true that good things take time, and this includes therapy methods.
Scheduling consistently. Outpatient therapy is the most effective when attended weekly or biweekly. Therapy that is scheduled every four weeks or more… is often just a time to catch-up on what is happening, a venting session, or a crisis intervention.
Why Go to Religious Trauma Therapy?
Being a religious trauma therapist, doesn’t mean that the therapist comes from your exact religious background. That’s a key difference between counseling from a therapist and a pastor. Beliefs don’t have to be shared past or present to have a positive experience in therapy. But— having shared values with your therapist is essential to the greatest benefits that therapy can offer.
Other trauma specialists such as a childhood trauma therapists won’t make assumptions about a person’s childhood trauma even though that they have seen thousands of clients in their office. While they may observe similarities with childhood trauma survivors, there are also differences to lived experiences so why would a religious trauma therapist be any different?
Religious trauma therapists may not know the specifics of your adverse religious experiences until knowing you better. However, we hold in-depth knowledge about adverse religious experiences impacting mental health. Through our studies, we have learned what are the best techniques and methods to address religious trauma in the therapy space with care that is tailored to your needs and collaborative.
