What Mainstream Culture Gets Wrong about Family Estrangement

I used to be afraid to say aloud, “My life is better without my family in it.”

I thought people would perceive me to be selfish or immature in going no contact with my family, but no one did after learning about my experiences with my family. Instead, they called me “brave and strong.”

On the Oprah Podcast episode, “Oprah Explores the Rising Trend of Going No Contact with Your Family,” Oprah framed going no contact with family as a debate. As someone who painfully went no contact with my family several years ago, this should not be a topic that is up for debate.

Photo by Roman Bilik on Unsplash

There is so much nuance that comes with going no contact with family, and the decision can’t be reduced to a single recommendation about what to do when coming from a family that’s unhealthy. Sometimes people may see that it’s the most realistic option for them to keep up relationships with their families. Other times, people may find that they need distance or temporary disconnection from their family for their well-being. And there are those of us who come to the choice that having no relationships with family in the long-term is best.

I would like to share some considerations that can help inform what direction may be healthiest to take depending upon the family dynamic.

On Conditional Love

Just one day after the release of Oprah’s podcast episode about the no-contact-with-family debate, The New York Times published an opinion piece online by Mel Robbins called, “Life is Too Short to Fight with Your Family.” Mel Robbins’ piece echoed Oprah’s messaging.

Oprah and Mel Robbins perspective: Maturity is keeping quiet around misaligned family members.

I want to push back on this narrative.

This kind of messaging silences survivors of childhood abuse and neglect, causing them to feel trapped in their abusive and neglectful families to be perceived as mature.

Every micro or macro aggression is felt in the body, but to be perceived as mature, the feelings and sensations are detached from.

Time feels irrelevant in these situations to the extent where survivors can forget how old they actually are. Time feels like it went on a fast track or slowed down to a point there it’s like trying to pour cold, raw honey from a jar. Being in the present feels unreachable when dissociated from emotions and the body.

It can feel too difficult to be present with dysfunctional family emotionally for survivors of childhood abuse and neglect. When you’re told that there’s “no love like a mother’s love” or “your father must be proud of you,” but you have never experienced consistency of love or pride in you by your parents? Acknowledging that reality can be a tough pill to swallow.

The Child Welfare Failure

In a study published by the CDC in 2023, 17.3% of American adults have high Adverse Childhood Experiences (or ACE) scores. ACEs measures adverse experiences before the age of 18 on a 10-point scale. With four or more ACEs, a person is considered to have a high ACE score. When a person has a high ACE score, the likelihood of chronic pulmonary lung disease increases 390 percent; hepatitis, 240 percent; depression 460 percent; attempted suicide, 1,220 percent.

It’s not “overly sensitive” to consider going no contact with family members that placed you in danger because of abuse or neglect. I would actually consider it insensitive to expect a person with a chronic health condition or persistent suicidality to maintain relationships with those who abused, neglected, or enabled abuse of them as a child. An empathetic response to someone with a high ACE score would be respecting their decision to go no contact with abusive or neglectful family members, rather than playing devil’s advocate.

Homicide by Misogyny

Abuse is serious.

Before a person is murdered by a family member, they were abused in their family.

Too often, this topic of murder by family is only seen as entertainment in podcasts and documentaries. The reality needs to be acknowledged that people desperately wanted an abusive family member to change, that they stayed in the relationship and were murdered because of their optimism.

I also want to pay my respects to those who recognized they needed to leave their violent families and died trying because their family murdered them before finding freedom.

Femicide and homicides of transgender people remain significant issues of concern today.

According to a study in Canada that analyzed solved homicides’ data of (cisgender) girls and women between 2009 - 2022, one-third of the victims were murdered by a family member. These vulnerable girls and women not only knew the person who took their last breath, but they shared DNA with the person who took their right to live.

The data that we have for homicides of transgender people is not as detailed, but here’s what we do know. The Human Rights Campaign reports that 42% of transgender homicide victims knew their killer because they were a partner, family member, or friend. Nearly half of transgender homicide victims experienced the ultimate betrayal by someone they knew well.

This data can be deeply uncomfortable. I think that it’s important for people to learn about homicide prevention. The more risk factors there are, the greater likelihood a person may attempt to kill someone who is close with them.

There are 10 primary risk factors for being killed by someone who is close to you:

• Obsessive relationship behaviors (i.e. love-bombing, stalking, spying on the victims, excessive texting or calling, over-indulgent gift giving)

• Victim of domestic violence making plans to leave the relationship

• Repeated physical abuse by the perpetrator

• Unstable mood of the perpetrator that is left untreated

• Threats made by the perpetrator about killing themself in order to manipulate the victim

• Escalation in frequency/severity of sexual, psychological, or physical abuse

• Victim has an intuitive fear that they could be murdered

• Prior threats by the perpetrator to kill the victim, which the perpetrator may say was a “joke,” “just an accident,” or “didn’t mean anything”

• Excessive drug/alcohol use by the perpetrator

• Unstable employment/finances of the perpetrator

Victims of family violence may stay in relationships with their abusive family members because of messaging that going no contact with family is overly-sensitive, immature, selfish, etc. Feeling trapped by this messaging and staying in relationships with their family may ultimately cost them their life.

The Bottom Line of Going No Contact

Abuse is not the same as conflict. And for those who experience family conflict rather than abuse, maybe going no contact isn’t the best decision for them. As for people who have been abused by their family members, it is important to take abuse seriously.

Surviving abuse can make a person sometimes feel invincible, but our humanity must be acknowledged to live a long life.

I didn’t want to go no contact with my family. I wanted to believe that they would change. A part of me so desperately clung to optimism that the people I shared the same eyes, nose, smile, and voice with— would also share the same values as me. I tried so hard to build bridges with my family, but it didn’t work.

It was never my responsibility to coach my family into being safe. And I hope others with abusive families realize this too. When we let go of this obligation, it can help us find clarity about next steps for how we will engage or disengage with our families.

The decision to go no contact with family is usually not impulsive. It’s a carefully considered plan for leaving domestic violence in most cases, rather than avoiding general family conflict. Going no contact with abusive family can be a mature decision, suicide or homicide prevention, pain management, and more.

You are not alone. If you are experiencing domestic violence in North America, please reach out to Canada or the US’s domestic violence hotlines for confidential support.