Vaginismus and The Overprotective Pelvic Floor Muscle Guards
“Oh, you’re so tight,” he moans while trying to insert himself into the vagina.
He perceives this as a good thing. Or should I write, he perceives this to be a sign that his partner is a good girl. But what does that even mean?
Purity Culture teaches cisgender boys and men that a tight vagina is a sign of little to no sexual experience. His mind and his body are connecting dots that aren’t there. He’s thinking that vaginal tightness means he’s special. That he is exploring a space that none other has explored before.
And his partner just wants whatever is happening to be done and over with as quickly as possible. The clenching of the vaginal walls makes it difficult to be open for penetration. And trying to open it? Feels as easy as opening a new pickle jar after putting on lotion. It’s painfully awkward, non-romantic, and just not sexy.
The interest was there for both of them before he tried entering into the vagina, but now? His partner wonders how to tell him this isn’t working. And yet, this seems to be his dreamiest scenario, but for his partner? A nightmare.
Paulina Herpel for Unsplash+
What is Vaginismus
The pelvic floor muscles act like an overzealous guard for people with vaginismus. With involuntary contractions, pelvic floor muscles guard the opening of the vagina (vaginal orfice), and they will try to hold the line without letting anything or anyone pass through, including tampons, fingers, dildos, and penises.
10% of vaginismus diagnoses are physically caused by infection or physical injury from childbirth or assault. Outside of these physical causes, we know that 90% of diagnosed vaginismus is caused by anxiety, the psychological and emotional impacts of trauma, and shame.
He Likes a Red Flag
If a man keeps trying to insert himself in a vagina that doesn’t want him there because of vaginismus, he has unpacking of misogyny to do before being ready for sexual activity with a partner. Good sex isn’t like taking a battering ram to a closed door. When the door is closed, it must be respected, rather than trying to figure out how to jimmy your way in.
It’s time for men to stop treating vaginas like they’re picking a lock or breaking the door down.
If a man wouldn’t go to someone’s house to break in or break the door down because of his morals, he needs to consider why his morals haven’t been applied this way when engaging in sexual activity with vaginas.
When the Mind Wants What the Body Doesn’t
Sometimes people with vaginismus will keep trying to having penetration even when their body doesn’t want it. Oftentimes, they’ll approach it from the more lube or “go more slowly” approach. And while these two methods are important for people with vaginas beginning each sexual encounter for the prevention of physical tearing, these methods are often missing what the pelvic floor muscle guards are trying to communicate.
Gantas Vaičiulėnas for Unsplash+
People with vaginismus need to look at their vaginas in mirrors and speak kindly to their vaginas. Vaginismus may be a cry from the vagina of needing to be seen and heard, rather than ignored and criticized. And sadly, a lot of vaginas are rarely looked at by the person whose body it belongs to. The times it happens, it’s usually because of menstruation or pubic hair grooming practices.
This is the part of the body where we’re born from, and yet it’s ignored in much of life except when it’s a problem.
Sometimes our bodies may feel self-defiant because of neglect when they just want to be nurtured.
Rebuilding a RElationship with Your Vagina
If you have a vagina, when is the last time you thanked it? Have you ever looked at your vagina and thought it was beautiful or handsome?
Most people with vaginas can’t answer these questions. And we have to acknowledge why.
Who taught you that vaginas should be ignored or neglected?
Who did you learn from that people with vaginas don’t enjoy or savor sex?
Why does our society normalize that it’s only cisgender men who are allowed to enjoy looking at vaginas and touching around them and inside of them?
Perhaps vaginismus comes from righteous rage.
How to Talk to Him About Vaginismus
If you have vaginismus and psychologically feel safe with your partner, but your body hasn’t caught up yet to your mind, you are not alone. Here’s some things that you can say to your partner for opening up the conversation about experiencing vaginismus and wanting sex:
“My mind is quicker to trust you than my body. Please be patient as it is going to take my body time in getting to know you.”
“To have the best experience with you, my body needs things to be slow and sensual rather than rough and fast.”
“I want you to take a lead role in sex, but for now, letting me take the lead in sex will help my body feel comfortable and safe with you. Is that okay?”
A partner who pushes back on these boundaries or uses sarcasm or negging in response isn’t ready to be a mature and affirming partner with someone who has vaginismus.
Sex After Vagnismus
Our bodies often want what’s best for us, and will try to communicate the best that they can. Trauma or shame can sometimes put our bodies into a kind of helicopter parent mode or the overprotector. And that can get in the way of pleasure.
The key to having good sex after vaginismus is recognizing that it’s not there to keep you celibate or have perpetual pain during and after sex. Vaginismus can be used as a tool for communication.
In talking with your partner (whether that be casual or committed) about vaginismus, that partner’s responses will indicate if they are committed to safe, sexual encounters and emotional maturity.
